Thoughts....

My daughter is AMAZING.  Seriously, AMAZING.  My life is more perfect then I could have imangined because of my kids.

Some old wounds were reopened last night....a few dashes of salt poured in...and today are almost healed again!

Most know that I have a set of grandparents in California.  A set of grandparents who don't speak to me and pretty much find me to be the biggest disappointment on land.

Why don't they talk to me you might ask?  Why am I such a disappointment?

This is why....

 

 (Hallie at birth...she was not the cutest baby!)

And as a parent, can you imagine how much that hurts.  To think that this amazing, beautiful, daughter is the reason that 2 people would choose not to ever speak to me again.  Choose to not speak to me because I took the high road...I took the tough road...and faced single-parenthood straight in the face at 22 years old.  Granted, it turned out to not be such single-parenthood....but I faced adversity head on...and am so glad I did. 

You know what I say...well I can't really print it here.  But I say that I would give them up for my daughter any day of the week.  I look at her and she lights up my life...I look at her and shutter to think where I would be without her.  I think in many ways she saved my life...not literally...but she got me on track and got me to this place...this happy place.  And them...they do nothing but cause pain....they disown their eldest grandchild because she had a child...how ridiculous is that.

Hallie is one amazing little girl.  She's vibrant, full of life, so intelligent, caring, sensitive, thoughtful, girly, pretty, beautiful...the list could go on forever.

I pity my grandparents.  They are missing out on their chance to be great-grandparents.  But you know what...I'm thankful for that.  They will NEVER have the opportunity to hurt my daughter or son like they have hurt me.  My children will never know the pain I feel...and I thank God for that.  But I ask God all the time to heal my heart....I want so bad to hate these people for what they have done to me, my brothers, my mom, my family...yet my heart won't let me...or maybe God won't let me.  But life would be easier if I could.  Guess I'm not the hating kind.  What I don't understand is why I still care?  Why I think I've 'over' them, yet they still can so easily open that wound?  Why I can't not love them?  They have no love for me...yet my heart still aches. 

Someday, maybe, someday.  For now...I have a bouncing, twirling, giggling, smiling, dancing, talking, walking, sparkling, amazing reminder of why my life is better without them.

I just hope my heart learns to heal.